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Hoping For Heaven

by Without Eve

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1.
I don't want to die I just want to sleep forever I've got a dark sense of humor But a darker sense of pain If I'm to burn in the sunlight I'd rather drown in the rain I've got a girl who says she loves me But I don't care if she does Because it’s easier to settle for despair than to love But we're going out for dinner Where we'll feast on ourselves And talk about whatever makes us feel like we're well And If she can make me feel so bad, then maybe I was never meant to feel okay And if she can hold her thoughts inside, then maybe I can hole up til the day it rains Because the pain is not yours until you give it a name And I have called mine on the telephone every single day And it tells me to be free In a hospice no one hears you When you say you want to live Until you dress up in the bedsheets Like a ghost who can’t forgive If I’m to die tonight, they’d better dress me up in white And let me sing And the pills inside my body Make me feel like I’m a temple Where the hopeless come to worship But they only find the devil If I’m lucky all the times I used to pray Will make him go away And if that can make me feel all right, then maybe I was never meant to feel okay And if he can hold himself inside, then maybe I can hole up til the day it rains I’m angry at a force that I cannot assign a face Because it follows me through hallways And every single place That I think I have found peace Is just another that I’m sure to forsake Because the peace is not yours until you give it a place And I have showed mine to the woman who gave me the pain And she tells me to be free I never will be free
2.
Hang A Cross 05:00
Hang a cross from the treasury And never ask for more Than you’re given Look across at the factories The prayers of the poor This isn’t living Is your god the only thing that you put your faith in Is it not a greater sin to suffer than to give in Work to eat and eat to work To pay for your headstone To mark your coffin Look alive at least alert You’re entering a dead zone Corpses are walking Is the dirt the only rest that you can be sure of Does it hurt to close your eyes and let the lights be turned off You work until you’re dead, but you’re not really living Your work’s all meaningless, you craft a pot to spit in Hang a cross from the treasury And never ask for more Than you’re given
3.
The king sat nestled in his chair The queen sat, brushing her hair The killer burst into the door with a knife "Reach for the stars all you people I’d rather shine than fade away See, all takes to be happy Is more than jewels on your head" The queen’s hands shot into the air The king just leaned back in his chair He took his crown off and gave it to his wife "Look to the stars, troubled killer There is no king who rules in space See, I’m not here to make you happy And only you own your fate" The killer dropped his knife and walked out The king got up out of his throne He stopped the killer in the doorway "Look in my eyes, sorry sinner Your are far better than this My throne is inside this castle But yours is inside your chest" Reach for the stars all you people I’d rather shine than fade away See, all takes to be happy Is more than jewels on your head
4.
All conversation is useless and trite So I tell myself just be glad you’re alive But I’m not Everyone tells me kid you’re mess I try to smile and say what made you guess I get that a lot But I guess it means nothing anymore But I guess it means nothing anymore Fall on your knees if you’re scared of your god If you don’t, then you’re brave but you’re easily lost Look for signs of the cross But I’ve burned every map and I’m not looking back I’ve covered my ears and I’ve covered my tracks If I won then who lost But I guess it means nothing anymore But I guess it means nothing anymore But I guess it means nothing anymore But I guess it means nothing anymore
5.
Up All Night 03:06
I have been up all night I don't dream, I just count the lights That hang above my tired head But I would rather suffer Than be dead
6.
Maybe I should just give in Only now do I have fears of my own Because I'm talking to my mother And she knows that I have troubles But I lie and say "it's all okay" But I still have a genie in a bottle He grants me wishes and I drown out his sorrows In sad folk songs or magnums of whiskey And all that I ask is that he never leave me I searched for hours in deserts for water With devils inside me all fighting for power They hear the same sad stories that plague me The oceans of cheap beer that stick in my throat like some unholy ether And I've tried to stop the rain But I still have a genie in a bottle He grants me wishes and I drown out his sorrows In sad folk songs or magnums of whiskey And all that I ask is that he never leave me
7.
Death Rattle 05:13
I've watched the funeral dirges Be drowned out by sorrows of someone Who never once knew anyone who ever died But I'm not so strong I don't think I've ever loved someone enough To weep when their bodies were buried And maybe that's my fault And maybe it's theirs I've seen churches filled with people And tissues and crying They fill the steeple with vapor from tears And the heat of their sorrow But I stood alone I'd rather cry at home than in the midst Of those who suffer or claim to suffer More than me Maybe that's peace Or maybe more suffering And maybe I'm at peace Or maybe just suffering And the organ sounds like a death rattle And the people line up like prodded cattle They cry because they must to believe they exist As something more than inevitable dust So I cry with them But it's not for my sins and it's nor theirs And I don't ask for forgiveness from anyone but myself Because my sorrow is something that only I can bear And they're useless to me and I'm useless to them What's a shoulder to cry on when you're drowning in sin It means nothing They all mean nothing And I mean nothing And maybe that means something
8.
In a mikvah of suffering We're sitting on doorsteps Of death And we're ringing the bell And hearing feet shuffle With black cloaks and sickles We're hoping for heaven But expecting hell Death comes in sports cars Or golden wristwatches All boxed up and lovely Or simple and frightening And you're always shaking In hallways or bathrooms The tile is cool and the lights always flickering And you pray you don't suffer But you're suffering already Expecting a visit From someone you live with Your mind isn't ready But your body is slipping I think we're all slipping But now you fear you sleeping And all of the meaning The dreams that you once had Such trouble believing Are rising with daylight But you're not
9.
I had no choice My hands, my voice is raw The fire in my soul The straw on my back Is more than I can hold I'm tired and broken My life's gone unspoken I think that this is as good as life gets I drag my joy from whiskey and cigarettes

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released October 7, 2012

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